It's been a while. I find it absurd how I got to this point in my life. Great, so everything that has happened accumulated to this? I've said it many times and I'll say it again..the world is a selfish place, and I have come to realize that everybody is genuinely selfish. Even if they "supposedly" did care for somebody else, it would be somehow beneficial to themselves. My psychotherapist says that I am an idealist, which is a good thing. I am forever on a journey to seek happiness and humanity. I am always helping others. I suppose this is where it is a bad thing. I never receive the acknowledgment I deserve. Therefore, only dissappointment can result from this... idealistic world of mine. From an early age, I have understood the fact that I give others too much credibility, more than they deserve but I've never understood why that was. Now, standing at 18 years of age, I reflect back on my past and all I feel is regret and remorse. So many things could have been changed, and my life would be so different from now. Currently, I feel distrust from all those around me and I am not content because I suppose I am missing the one essential thing that truly ever really made me happy. Wow, talk about horrible grammar. That's the ganja consuming my brain cells. Anyways, I need to vent. Bro's before hoes! Why am I still caring? Do I even really care or am I lieing to myself so that I can pretend that I am a good, humane person? I want to talk to my therapist. That's all I can think about. But does she even care at all? For that's her job.. and that's the one thing I hate.. when people pretend to care. But why does it satisfy me? To let a stranger into my life without even knowing who she is? Would it be different if it was a man? Would I be able to confide as much as I have if it was anybody else? I question my ability to answer these wonderings of mine. Nobody seems to understand. I see the world in a way that others seem to not notice. It's right there in front of us, yet everything I believe in might have been caused by past experiences.. tragedies.. so on. Maybe because I've lost those that I need in my life, those that I put my heart out for, my trust, I've come to fear trusting anybody else. I've come to push people away. I've come to hate and despise. I went to a party, or a "social gathering" if you will, the other night and I saw this girl that I swear to god knew once some time ago. I was 5 inches away from her face at times and I could have betted my life that it was her. And it wasn't. Have I gone dillusional? I keep seeing her face everywhere that I go. At the airport, I even thought that this girl in an advertisement poster was her. I thought I saw this other person in line behind me. And these are all people that I have lost. And I swore to myself that it couldn't be, but I somehow truly wanted to believe that it was them. I keep seeing past faces, familiar faces that I have not seen for many years. I miss them. I loved them. And they are gone. To those I have pushed away, I am sorry. It isn't because I intentionally want to. It's because I need to. I need to get away, because I want to start fresh. I've repressed my feelings for so long I don't know what to do. I can't become closer, and I can't stray away. I can't become closer to you because of those that I have lost. Because my past is what haunts me, and the future to me just doesn't seem important. And therefore I can conclude that everybodies selfish, and everybody wants what they can't have. Those that are already there for me, I am just not content. I am sorry.

To be honest, I have been trying to blog as much as I can on purpose. I doubt anyone really reads this anyways so I don't know why I bother. I guess it's just because I feel I have something to confide in.. I'm scared. I think about the future and I tremble. I don't know what I want to be nor do I know where I'm going to end up. I try to imagine a place where I could find salvation, hospitality, comfort. A place of my own, and just my own and nobody elses. I dream of escaping and living my life on the road... meeting new people.. traveling as much as I can.. as far as I can get. But I can't.. it's hard.. to push myself when my incentive to work is based on the chances of it actually happening. I'm not sure that will happen.. because of all the problems that come along with it. I try to live in the present..but my mind is buried too deep.I'm not sure how long I'm going to live nor how much time I have to reach my goals. I feel unstable. Like my heart is continuosly fluctuating.. and you can never get a stable pulse. I try to be happy. I feel stressed. I try to sleep as much as I can to get away.. but there's only so much time.

It's just been a ponderous amount of time since the last time someone new came into my life.. that it was hard for me to be myself. I never realized that I actually lost sense of my identity long before this. I've encountered so many experiences so far in my life that it devastates my ability to function.. for I do not know who I am anymore. The other day at school, as I was filling out my senior quotes, I was thinking to myself.. what words could ever put meaning into my pathetic existence that actually describes who I am. I had learned some thing's about myself though, throughout the past years. I am incapable of staying on course of a goal because I feel suffocated when I am done. I feel empty because I do not know which step to take next. I've dwelled on my past memories of a loved one for so long because I couldn't bare the fact that she was gone.. because everything had changed. I felt content with my lifestyle with her.. although it wasn't the perfect love story.. it was my perfect love story. There's just so many problems that I have built up within myself that my mind throbs at such thoughts. The change in our relationship had caused a change so drastic in my life that I felt rogue. It's thing's like these that can never be erased.. and anyone whose ever been in love should know that. No matter how hard you try to persuade yourself.. you'll never truly be over it. There'll always be a night that you stay up thinking about how you would be on the phone with her right now if you were still with her. Always a friday night that you think about where you would be if you were still with her. Always a second where you wonder what you would be doing if you were still with her. I've always thought if I try hard enough.. I could have anything I wanted. Truth is.. I can't. In fact, I actually convinced myself that I tried so hard that I couldn't do anything else about it. I feel off course.. confused.. lost. Sometimes people ask me about how I'm feeling or how my day's gone. I tell them that it's fine.. or that I'm okay. In the back of my mind.. I think that even if I had told them the truth, they wouldn't have even sincerely cared nevertheless try to comfort me. They will never understand. There seems to be this constant dispute within my mind about how I have it all good.. and there's people out there that is less fortunate than me.. that my life is complete. But it's not. I do appreciate everything I have but what about my feelings.. I'd give up everything in the world just to be happy. everything.. just to have her back. I'd give everything just to even bring back the arguments.. and the break ups. At least I'd know I was still part of her life, as she is part of mine. How maybe it would be like a second chance.. and I could change. But no. she will never give me another chance, because she doesn't believe I can change, because she judges me of the thing's I do before she understands. And so does everybody else in this god damn fucking world. No one fucking understands.. because nobody ever tries. I've isolated myself from others to the point where I actually feel like I'm transparant.. that people look through me but never at me. They take one glance and decide that I'm invisible before they really see that I'm as human as anybody else. I've made mistakes.. so many mistakes.. but I try to be the bestest friend to others even at my expense. I try.. as much as it's in my power. But I can't give enough. I don't have that much to even offer. All I could ever really offer was my loyalty.. my trust. That's really all I could ever provide.. all I could provide..

Senior Quote: "one must find peace within before finding peace with others."

It's been a long time since my last entry, and there has been a ponderous amount of experiences throughout the past year that I regret not capturing. But although this is so, I remember.. and the memories I have recollected has been far greater than any I had before. I have been thinking.. a lot lately.. about numerous things that I can't quite put together yet.. but the storm is coming, and I feel it deep down in my guts that something big is going to happen. But the future isn't quite what I've been most worried about.. it's the past that's been haunting me. The past that I've dwelled in for so long.. that's caused nights of contemplation to take place.. that's grown roots throughout my body which I shiver at the thought of it. People have been walking in and out of my life ever since I could remember. I've always thought it was me, but I've come to discover that they've always had a non specific reason. I don't think any of them has realized yet how much their bullshit has caused a great ball of guilt to grow inside me. That my every action is decided by my guilt. Like I'm being watched.. constantly. But it's not me. Some people just won't ever strengthen their respect and decency towards others. I've  blamed myself too many times for giving people too much credibility. It's insane. sigh. It's my senior year and I've realized how much I've fucked up my golden years.. the years to make strong friendships. Even best friends aren't who they seem to be. The closest ones are usually the one who stab you the deepest in the back. I've grown far too much to be held back by ignorance.. though at times I wish I didn't know as much as I did.. for reality is cruel. I think back to those days I was sheltered by the lies my parents had told me. I feel like no one else understands because they had not seen what I've seen, or been through what I've had been through. I feel isolated. confined. trapped. alone. Yet sadness has wetted my eyes once too many times, and this time, I will not give in. I will not. To those thats fucked me over in the past.. I wish you the best. For you have made me who I am, and I am not ashamed of who I am, but how I am perceived. That is all. OT- 1tyme- w4rr [A.o.W]